• Fallon. I will talk to you later.

• Hey Fal, um I was actually calling becauze I realize I forgot to ask you if you've eaten. I also forgot to tell you we order a shit ton of food. Pizza and about 5 orders of fries, because that's how we roll. SO give me a call back and let me know if you've eaten or... whatever. Bye!
  
• Hey Fallon what's up, it's AJ--

• Hey Fallon it's Jax. Just calling you back sorry I missed you. I was in my Citizen's Police Academy. Hope you're having fun with Shannon. Bye!

• Hey Fallon, it's Shawn. How are you doing? Hey, sorry for not getting back to you yesterday, we are going to be meeting up this Sunday so it's great you have this Sunday open . I just sent you an e-mail. We'd like to meet at the coffee shop we met at last weekend, or two weekends ago, at about 11:15, 11:30. When you get a chance could you e-mail me back or call me back and just give me a status on if you have a friend or two that will be able to show up so we can have a little bit more muscle at the shoot. My number is ----- and of course you have my e-mail so, send me an e-mail or give me a call back. Hope all is well. Bye.

• Hey Fal, it's mom. Oops... I think Fallon's calling me.. Call waiting... (male voice gets on phone) Hello? HELLO?

October 3

• Hey nice new voicemail. So, I can't do Sunday at all. I'm sick. I'm very sick. I'm trying to move and it's hard, and I only moved half the shit I need to, I gotta get a uHaul in the morning. (voice in background, undetermined.) My brother says he wants money. I don't know why, he's being stupid, he's broke. Sorry I'll probably be in a coma by Sunday the way I'm feeling now. This morning I took so much Dayquil I was seeing black tornados. I think I'll take some more now. Bye.

• Hey, it's me again. I just wanted to apologize again because I feel really, really bad about it. I don't think I can make it up to you, but if there is please let me know. I'm really sorry, I just woke up this morning all fucked up. On top of that I gotta be moved out by midnight Sunday. It didn't happen tonight cos I kept falling asleep. It sucked. I'll talk to you later.

• Hey Fallon this is Sean calling from American Blinds. I'm just wondering what building you're in.
   
• Hey Fal, it's mom. Call me back. I'm at Walt's roast beef getting a sandwich. And I was going to head ov er your house. Bye.
   
• Hey it's me. I'm at 33 and 8th. So let me know where you guys are and I'll meet up with you! Bye!

• Hey Fal, it's mom calling. You're probably still sleeping. I know you're going to Jamestown. Bye

• Hello Fallon. Just seeing if you got my Lance Henrikson e-mail last night. Just give me a buzz. Bye.
   
• Hey Fal, it' s the aunt calling. Can you please call Matthew to congratulate him for him passing his license exam? Okay, thanks. Bye.
   
• Hey Fallon, it's mom calling. I know you called me, I must've had my volume low. I just wanted to say hi and aunty said when I talk to you to have you call Matthew and congratulate him. Okay. Bye

• Hey, remember that DVD player you and Ted got me one year for Christmas? I just found it. It's been buried in a box for years.I'm thinking about just throwing it out a window. Yeah...
   
• So, you're one of these people that do your number now? You just-- you say your number? You know a robot will do that for you. It's one of those options, right, a robot will say your number. Anyway, I thought of another one that's going to upset you. I actually get this all the time. For lunch spinach salad, bowl of cottage cheese, and a Red Bull. The fuck's the matter with me?
   
• Hey Fal, it's me. Um, I'm sorry. I was in New York all day, just getting here. I'm here. Call me when you have a chance, baby. Thanks.
   
• I like the cellular inconvenience message better. At least it had personality. You can say "Sorry for the cellular inconvenience" without saying your name, Bye.
   
• Hey Fallon, what's going on, it's AJ. I tried calling you the other night, my phone was abruptly interrupted. Crossed my mind to give you a call back. (YAWWN!) Scuse me, I was yawning there, for a second. Oh man. Yeah just callin to see how you been, how shit's going. If you try calling my cellphone you'll notice that shit is DOO DOO DOO, no longer in service for th emoment. That shit'll be back Friday. But if you wanna gimme a call at my house it's --- ----. Yeah, hope all is well. Gimme a call one of these nights. Alright sweetie, bye.
   
• Wow, you are one anti-social motherfucker. GIve me a call back tomorrow or the next day or next week or whenever you feel so inclined.
   
• Hey Fal, it's mom calling. I wanted to tell you that, um, I wonder if you went to that game night. You went last Wednesday. Actually it's Tuesday. I keep thinking it's Wednesday. Anyway, Cheryl called me, she has an appointment at 3:30. I'm taking a 2:30. Okay, bye.

• You don't like answering your phone, do you.
   
• Fal, it's mom. Where are you?
   
• Hey Fal, I'm at the restaurant. Where are you? Trattoria.
   
• Hey Fal, it's mom. Um, I'm leaving the restaurant. I don't know where you are. It's a half hour late. Bye.
   
• Yup, I'll call you later.
   
• Hey, what's up? Um, I --

A friend of mine once did an audio experiment, where he ripped all the voicemails off his phone for an entire year.

I'm not able to do that. But I thought it was an interesting idea. So I will do that from now on. I'm not sure if I will change names or exclude them or leave it as is, for the sake of posterity.

For now, to get started, here are my saved voicemails from the last month:

September 2, 1:40pm
Hey, it's me. Listen, um I want to get something off my chest and it's a shame you didn't answer the phone. What the fuck was up with the million dollar corporation. Wasn't that the weirdest, rag-tag motley crue assembly of guys ever? We're talking King Bundy, the 1-2-3 Kid, Tatanka Buffalo the indian, the Godfather back before he was the Godfather and used to wear t-shirts, IRS the Tax man, Psycho Sid and sometimes the Heavenly Bodies because they were buddies. OH, and Nikolai Volkoff. Nikolai Volkoff of all people. What?

September 4, 10:12am
Hey Fallon, it's Margaret, how are you? We're in town. And John's here, and we'd love to see you. And I'm wondering if you heard from this man named Tom about the Buddy movie. I think you did because he e-mailed me and said it got pushed. I'm just wondering what's going on with it. And I gave him your number, I hope that's okay. Anyway, give me a call, I haven't seen you in forever.

September 5, 1:29pm
Hey it's me, I know you're at work or at lunch or whatever, I'm just calling because I'm about 90% sure I just saw Ken driving in the car next to me on the way down to New York. I'm on 95 in Warwick. Anyway, thought it was interesting, made me think of you. Bye!

September 5, 6:41pm
Hey, it's Ken. I'm just calling because I just did something really, really sad. I just ran over a squirrel. He ran right under my tire. Stupid, stupid squirrel. I just killed a squirrel. And it sucks.

September 9, 11:41am
Hey Fallon, it's Chris. Just spoke to our father and tomorrow, um, at some point we're gonna pick up a TV and we're gonna bring it to you up the Hill. So just give us a call and let us know where to bring it, and when exactly you'll be around, and we'll take care of it.

September 9, 4:48pm
Oh Fallon, you're so sweet anyways. This is John's sister Nicole. I hear he's in xxxxxxxx. I hope he's with a friend out there, I know he has a friend out there. Cuz he called my dad for money and he only gave him $200. Cheap dad, huh? He can't even give us money. But I hope JOhn's doing fine. I hope he's finding a journalism job because $200 won't go by. Can you give me a call and let me know if you know if John's staying at a place, or a shelter? Just give me a call because you know, he is family, so I want to know he's safe. Even though I haven't talked to him the whole summer, have you? Bye.

September 13, 9:47am
Hi Fallon, it's mom calling. Just wanted to let you know I'm in my bed... and I've got two girls over here that are so soft! Oh my god! They just are so loveable! They're just the softest little pretty things. Okay, I'm gonna call back so they can hear your voice again.

September 24, 12:20pm
Hey Fal, it's Ken. I am on my lunch break right now and was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight for a little while. Just a couple hours, I'll be busy afterwards. But if you want to do something later, 5, 6, get some food, watch a movie or beat someone up or something, just give me a call. Bye.

September 26, 6:59pm
Hi Fal, it's the aunt calling. I don't know if you're eating alone, but if you want to join Richard, Matt and I, you should feel comfortable to. Call me. If not, have a nice night and talk to you soon.

September 28, 9:50am
Hi Fallon, it's the aunt calling. I got a call from the alarm company this morning that your moms alarm went off and they said they spoke with her but she did not know the passwrod. So they asked me if they should send the police, so I said hold on until I speak with her. I called her Fal, and she's not taking the call. I did just get off the phone with Diane, and Diane said that she probably didn't know the alarm because she doesn't use it often. But you know Fal, it's so important to take the call, because I was suspicious of the call because then the guy was like to me, "We don't havet the right address we don't think." And I didn't say anything, and then he said the right address and I said, "Yes." So with all this going on Fal... it's so important to take the calls. Or if something happened to grandma or something. Anyways, after talking with Diane, I'm not going to call these people back and tel them to call the police because I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that mom spoke with them and didn't know. But then you know the mind wanders, and I think "Did someone break in? Make off they were her?" With all that's going on. Anyway, give me a call when you get this. Thanks.

October 1, 2:06pm
Oh, you're all clandestine with the message now. I'm calling you in regards to the porno you had delivered to my house. I mean, to my work, rather. Bye.